A thinking person’s guide to ancient and modern relationships, and how to love in a fast-changing world.

Love, like madness, can only fill the models that society makes available.

We are the ultimate social animal. Our intimate relationships are the most important thing in our life, often, more important than life itself—insofar as we would die for those we love.

But at a time of unprecedented social and technological change, the path to the intimacy that we crave has been confused, leaving us more connected and yet more alone and uncertain than ever before.

This book is intended as a thinking person’s guide to marriage and its alternatives, and to human relationships and sexuality in general.

Even if you have already determined your destination, even if you have already set sail, this book should help you to navigate the storms and doldrums that lie ahead, and, more important still, to question the very purpose and value of your journey.

A tour-de-force: erudite, funny, and even wise. —Prof Anthony Synott, author of The Body Social and Re-Thinking Men

Whether or not to marry is a choice that is as mystifying as it is momentous. This book is a treasure trove of historical analysis, divergent perspectives, and vital considerations that will help you decide whether, when, how, and with whom to make the leap. —Dr John Amodeo, psychotherapist and author of Dancing with Fire: A Mindful Way to Loving Relationships

Neel is an incredibly insightful and elegant writer, with a deep knowledge of all he surveys. —Dr James Davies, psychotherapist and medical anthropologist

Burton is never short of an interesting and sharp judgment. —Prof Peter Toohey, Psychology Today

Burton’s writing blends deep knowledge of his subject with lively anecdote and a genuine concern for how we might draw on the insights of psychology and philosophy to live a better life. Highly recommended! —Gareth Southwell, philosopher and writer

About the author

Dr Neel Burton FRSA is a psychiatrist, philosopher, and wine-lover who lives and teaches in Oxford, England. He is a Fellow of Green-Templeton College in the University of Oxford, and the recipient of the Society of Authors’ Richard Asher Prize, the British Medical Association’s Young Authors’ Award, the Medical Journalists’ Association Open Book Award, and a Best in the World Gourmand Award. His work has featured in the likes of Aeon, the Spectator, and the Times, and been translated into several languages.

Contents

Preface

1. Monogamy
2. Polygamy
3. Polyamory
4. Gender fluidity in gods and heroes
5. Gender variation and same-sex relations in precolonial times
6. The gay revolution
7. Sex, love, and marriage in Ancient Egypt
8. The oldest gays in history
9. Sex, love, and marriage in Ancient Rome
10. The history and psychology of the orgy
11. Love in the Bible
12. Marriage in the Bible
13. Homosexuality in the Bible
14. The meaning of Adam and Eve
15. The history of love
16. Valentine schmalentine
17. The 7 types of love
18. The monastic alternative
19. The philosophy of lust
20. The psychology of sadomasochism
21. The magic of masturbation
22. Touch hunger
23. The challenges of intimacy
24. The psychology of the bachelor party
25. The history of the wedding in the West
26. A feminist critique of marriage
27. The rise and demise of divorce
28. Are married people healthier?
29. The future of the family
30. Should we have children?

What future for marriage?

If you marry, you will regret it; if you do not marry, you will also regret it… This is the sum and substance of all philosophy. —Kierkegaard 

We are the ultimate social animal. Our intimate relationships are the most important thing in our life, often, more important than life itself—insofar as we would die for those we love. 

But at a time of unprecedented social and technological change, the path to the intimacy that we crave has been confused, leaving us more connected and yet more alone and uncertain than ever before. 

Marriage is an ancient institution that evolved in a historical context of agrarian societies with low life expectancy, high fertility and infant mortality, and marked gender disparity. If it did serve our ancestors well, has it now outlived its usefulness? Whatever the answer to that question, there is, as we shall discover, nothing natural or pre-ordained about marriage, or even monogamy, and while marriage may be suited to some, it cannot be suited to all. 

For Better For Worse is intended as a thinking person’s guide to marriage and its alternatives, and to human relationships and sexuality in general. It is not intended as a polemic, and tries in as far as possible to let the facts and arguments speak for themselves—even though, in the final reckoning, marriage, like love, or trust, or religious belief, is, as it must be, a leap of faith that transcends reason and prudence. Unlike in some of my other books, there is no central argument—other than, perhaps, ‘it’s very complicated’ or ‘each to their own’. But even these, I think, are worthwhile messages in a world full of conventions, preconceptions, expectations, prejudice, and self-doubt. 

If choice and bias have entered, it has mostly been in the selection of topics. Certain topics such as love and the family are central to any discussion of human relationships. Others, such as gender fluidity in gods and heroes and ‘the oldest gays in history’ are just too interesting and revealing to leave out. The chapters around the history of love and sexuality speak to where we came from and how we got here, and shed some light on the way forward. There is a loose progression to the chapters, but each one is fairly self-contained and you may choose to dip in and out and progress in any order or none at all. 

Even if you have already determined your destination, even if you have already set sail, this book should help you to navigate the storms and doldrums that lie ahead, and, more important still, to question the very purpose and value of your journey.

Purchase now from Amazon or Apple, or go back to the Ataraxia series page.