Essays on Relationships

By Dr Neel Burton — Psychiatrist, philosopher, and wine writer; Fellow of Green Templeton College, University of Oxford; author of over twenty books.

Marry, and you will regret it; don’t marry, you will also regret it; marry or don’t marry, you will regret it either way. —Kierkegaard, Either/Or

We are born helpless, grow up in intimacy, and spend much of our lives seeking recognition, friendship, and love. Even our sense of who we are is formed, in large part, through other people.

Yet relationships are among our greatest sources of difficulty and suffering. We long for closeness but also for freedom; for connection without dependence, love without loss, recognition without judgement. Get too close and we risk losing ourselves; stray too far apart and we risk loneliness.

The ancient philosophers placed friendship at the heart of the good life. Romantic love has since taken on much of this burden, promising not merely companionship but completion, fulfilment, and even salvation. It is a great deal to ask of another person.

To love someone is to recognise them not merely as someone who can satisfy our needs, but as another centre of experience.

This page brings together my essays on relationships.

What Is Love?

Can Romantic Love Save Us? — The History and Psychology of Love—and What It Reveals About Love Itself

Plato’s Myth of Aristophanes and Its Meaning — Found Your Other Half Yet? A Psychiatrist and Philosopher Explains Plato’s Famous Myth of Soulmates

The True Meaning of Platonic Love — Plato’s Remarkable Vision of Love

The Myth of Narcissus and Its Meaning — A Psychiatrist and Philosopher Interprets the Myth of Narcissus

The Myth of Orpheus and Its Meaning — A Psychiatrist and Philosopher Explores the Myth of Orpheus and Eurydice

Can We Love More Than One Person? — The Psychology and Philosophy of Polyamory

Nietzsche’s Threesome — The Love Triangle That Ended in Thus Spoke Zarathustra

Sex, Gender, and Intimacy

Why So Many Gods Are Trans — Gender Fluidity in Gods and Heroes

The First Gays in Recorded History — Three Tales of Same-Sex Love in Ancient Egypt

Why Do We Kiss? — What Kissing Reveals About Us

Hungry for Skin: The Case for Touch — We Cannot Touch Without Being Touched

The Philosophy of Lust — Is Desire a Form of Madness—or the First Step on the Ladder of Love?

The Psychology of Sadomasochism — A Psychiatrist and Philosopher Attempts to Explain Sadomasochism

Sex, Drugs, and Religion — A History of the Orgy

Marriage and Family

Has Marriage Had Its Day? — A Philosophical and Feminist Critique

The Dark Side of the Bachelor Party — Why the Bachelor Party Is the Opposite of What It Appears

Why Most Men Wouldn’t Want a Second Wife — The Pros and Cons of Polygamy

Should People Have Children? — What Would the Children Say?

A Third Way Between Family Life and Loneliness — Monasteries Are Dying: Time to Bring Them Back in Some New Form?

Friendship and Solitude

The Joy of Being Alone — The Psychology and Philosophy of Solitude

Why Modern Connection Feels Strangely Empty — How We Stopped Needing One Another

Schopenhauer’s Hedgehog Dilemma — Finding the Right Distance Between Self and Others

Aristotle on Friendship — Why Friendship is Essential to the Good Life

Empathy vs Sympathy: What’s the Difference? — The Psychology and Philosophy of Pity, Sympathy, Empathy, and Compassion

Loyalty, Recognition, and Loss

The Greek Dog and the Indian Dog | The Odyssey and the Mahabharata — What Homer Can Teach Us About Ghosting

Why We Weep for Odysseus’ Dog — Recognition, Memory, and the Need to Find Our Way Home

The People We Love Are Only on Loan — What the Stoics Knew About Grief and Loss

Continue Exploring

Explore more subjects in the Index Scriptorum.

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